Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Epilogue
Just a btw, the story doesn't end right there, at that beautiful moment. We were almost home, and I couldn't stop smiling. But as we pulled into the driveway, I faltered for a second. What if I'm wrong? What if I've already pushed too many people away? That's when I heard footsteps on the street behind me, followed by a very familiar voice. "Hey Ben, up for some basketball??" Like the wimp I am, I almost burst into tears right there, but I restrained myself and called back, "Sure Brandon, be right there..." I swear. That kid is my guardian angel. X'D
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Another Lesson Learned...
...From music. Yeah, I know. Guess that's just sorta typical me. But here it is anyway.
It was one of those days. One of those days where the morning, afternoon, and evening all look the same: gray. No matter how long you search the bleak sky, you can't find the sun. You can't even pick out a cloud. Its just flat. Desolate.
At least, that's how I thought about it, as I narrated my day to myself from the passenger seat. A day when you get lost in yourself. In light of recent events, that was even easier than usual.
'Recent events'- coming to grips with the fact that, for the first time in my short fourteen years, I was going to be saying goodbye to a whole lotta people, one of which I just might... love? Haha, that's a strong word... maybe we should say one of which I might love sooner or later. The sorta friend you never want to say goodbye to. Well anyway, I'd be saying goodbye to all of them in... 2 months. Wondering if all the stuff I had tried to do was just wasted time.
What scared me the most is that I couldn't even get myself to care. I just sat there, counting each breath that fogged the cool window. And quietly- so quietly- I fell farther and farther from all I knew, all I loved, all I hated. And like the sky above, all was gray, flat, quiet apathy.
But that isn't how this story ends.
A familiar beat caught my attention, flowing quietly from the radio. I blinked, and listened, trying to remember the song. I soon did. The opening lines of You Are More, by Tenth Avenue North, played, and I smiled grimly. "There's a girl in the corner, with tear stains on her eyes, from the places she's wandered, and the shame she can't hide..." I may not be a girl, but that pretty much described it. Tearstains? Check. Wandered? Mhm. Shamed? Of course. Lost? Yeah. I glanced at the bleak sky. Thanks God, for reminding me. Before I turned back to my silent self-pity, though, something caught my eye. A piece of gray that wasn't quite right... almost... golden. This time, my smile was genuine. Maybe you can find the sun. I watched as the clouds slowly parted, You Are More ringing in my ears, each chorus strengthening my tentative grin. And then, God did something amazing. The song reached a crescendo, and I listened, stunned, as the singer screamed, "This is not about what you've done, but whats been done for you... This is not about where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to... This is not about what you feel, but what he felt to forgive you..." Then, I remembered, and, with a shaky and cracked voice, mouthed the last words. "...And what he felt to make you love."
So there, in the passenger seat, on a busy road, as the sun broke through the twilight, I finally got it. Not everything. But enough. I had wrestled with the fact that everything I had been doing since last September had been a waste. Practically falling over when I first saw her. Getting up the courage to first talk to her. Doing my best to know her, to understand her. And then... knowing I won't see her again after a few short weeks. Why... how could God put me through all that? Put her in my life, just so He could take her away? But he had a reason. It wasn't about how I felt. It had never been. It was about what God was doing, that fateful day in September. What HE felt, to make me love. And as I looked back, I saw how I had changed. How I had learned to sacrifice. To listen. To love. With all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Some skills that, apparently God thought I'd be needing, before this crazy ride is over. It wasn't pointless.
Knowing her will never be pointless. Because maybe, just maybe, she's taught me some things I will never forget.
It was one of those days. One of those days where the morning, afternoon, and evening all look the same: gray. No matter how long you search the bleak sky, you can't find the sun. You can't even pick out a cloud. Its just flat. Desolate.
At least, that's how I thought about it, as I narrated my day to myself from the passenger seat. A day when you get lost in yourself. In light of recent events, that was even easier than usual.
'Recent events'- coming to grips with the fact that, for the first time in my short fourteen years, I was going to be saying goodbye to a whole lotta people, one of which I just might... love? Haha, that's a strong word... maybe we should say one of which I might love sooner or later. The sorta friend you never want to say goodbye to. Well anyway, I'd be saying goodbye to all of them in... 2 months. Wondering if all the stuff I had tried to do was just wasted time.
What scared me the most is that I couldn't even get myself to care. I just sat there, counting each breath that fogged the cool window. And quietly- so quietly- I fell farther and farther from all I knew, all I loved, all I hated. And like the sky above, all was gray, flat, quiet apathy.
But that isn't how this story ends.
A familiar beat caught my attention, flowing quietly from the radio. I blinked, and listened, trying to remember the song. I soon did. The opening lines of You Are More, by Tenth Avenue North, played, and I smiled grimly. "There's a girl in the corner, with tear stains on her eyes, from the places she's wandered, and the shame she can't hide..." I may not be a girl, but that pretty much described it. Tearstains? Check. Wandered? Mhm. Shamed? Of course. Lost? Yeah. I glanced at the bleak sky. Thanks God, for reminding me. Before I turned back to my silent self-pity, though, something caught my eye. A piece of gray that wasn't quite right... almost... golden. This time, my smile was genuine. Maybe you can find the sun. I watched as the clouds slowly parted, You Are More ringing in my ears, each chorus strengthening my tentative grin. And then, God did something amazing. The song reached a crescendo, and I listened, stunned, as the singer screamed, "This is not about what you've done, but whats been done for you... This is not about where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to... This is not about what you feel, but what he felt to forgive you..." Then, I remembered, and, with a shaky and cracked voice, mouthed the last words. "...And what he felt to make you love."
So there, in the passenger seat, on a busy road, as the sun broke through the twilight, I finally got it. Not everything. But enough. I had wrestled with the fact that everything I had been doing since last September had been a waste. Practically falling over when I first saw her. Getting up the courage to first talk to her. Doing my best to know her, to understand her. And then... knowing I won't see her again after a few short weeks. Why... how could God put me through all that? Put her in my life, just so He could take her away? But he had a reason. It wasn't about how I felt. It had never been. It was about what God was doing, that fateful day in September. What HE felt, to make me love. And as I looked back, I saw how I had changed. How I had learned to sacrifice. To listen. To love. With all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Some skills that, apparently God thought I'd be needing, before this crazy ride is over. It wasn't pointless.
Knowing her will never be pointless. Because maybe, just maybe, she's taught me some things I will never forget.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
All Other People
Alright, guys. I guess you could say this is one of those sorta moments when you step back, take a deep breath, look around... and ask yourself: "What the HECK am I doing?"
It's also, in a way, an apology- the only way I really know how.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started when I came back to visit this old blog. And when I had blown off the dust, and gotten past all the "=D" emoticons, I was again hit by something I addressed long ago: nostalgia. And as I looked over all the old posts, with just a hint of a tear blurring the old beige on blue color scheme, I came to rest on the top of the page. There it was: practically the corner stone of this crazy place- You and Me, by Lifehouse. Its the song that I loved long before any girl. The song that me, PH, and RB can all actually agree on. The song that I still whisper on lonely nights. And pretty much the song that sums up the life of most poor guys that, before they even see it coming, have who they are convinced is the most beautiful person in the world thrust into their life.
Of course, I've had the song on my Ipod for quite a while now, but, there seemed to be something special about the old YouTube video. It harked back from what seems like a different era. Back before I had any Imerchandise in general. Back when I would wait for my mom to go the store, then crank up that YouTube video, and listen to it till that garage door opened again. It was always too soon. Heck, Cloudy probably has the song memorized...
Before I could reminisce anymore, I let my finger fall to the play button, and, after a few quiet strums, the beautiful lyrics were flowing into my basement once again. And, for the first time in a long time, I made myself listen to it in a new way. "Its you and me, and all other people..." All my problems and worries fought for attention in my mind, but still, I made myself listen. "Its you and me, and all other people..." Again the chorus rolled by, and I could hardly think straight. "Its you and me, and-" And in that third chorus, I got it. I suddenly got it. I sat bolt upright, and whispered along, "all other people."
All of the worries, uncertainties, and frightening possibilities that I'd struggled with for... almost 5 months suddenly fell away. And in that moment of calm, I could ask myself the question I had deserved all that time. What ever happened to 'all other people'? I'd been so caught up in this one girl, that I had let everything else slip. My homework was lagging. My friendships were faltering. Heck, even my relationship with my family seemed corroded. And all my worry had gotten me nowhere with the one person I cared about. And as the final whispers of You and Me played, I knew it was time for a change. "What day is it, and in what month- this clock never seemed so alive..." Time is short. How long can I pretend like I'm immortal? How long will I wait before I get back out there, and be the student I'm called to be, be the son I'm called to be, be the friend I'm called to be? Don't get me wrong, that girl is beautiful, on the inside even more than the out. Joy pretty much describes her. That, and maybe a little attitude thrown in. And part of the reason knowing her has been so hard is because its been all-consuming. My days hinged on every little thing she did. Now, its time to (quite literally) face the music, and live a little life, not only with her- but with all other people. Amazing people. I'm sorry guys. Sometimes I get too caught up in being "Loverboy", and, well, forget to be...
Yours truly,
ThinAir
It's also, in a way, an apology- the only way I really know how.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started when I came back to visit this old blog. And when I had blown off the dust, and gotten past all the "=D" emoticons, I was again hit by something I addressed long ago: nostalgia. And as I looked over all the old posts, with just a hint of a tear blurring the old beige on blue color scheme, I came to rest on the top of the page. There it was: practically the corner stone of this crazy place- You and Me, by Lifehouse. Its the song that I loved long before any girl. The song that me, PH, and RB can all actually agree on. The song that I still whisper on lonely nights. And pretty much the song that sums up the life of most poor guys that, before they even see it coming, have who they are convinced is the most beautiful person in the world thrust into their life.
Of course, I've had the song on my Ipod for quite a while now, but, there seemed to be something special about the old YouTube video. It harked back from what seems like a different era. Back before I had any Imerchandise in general. Back when I would wait for my mom to go the store, then crank up that YouTube video, and listen to it till that garage door opened again. It was always too soon. Heck, Cloudy probably has the song memorized...
Before I could reminisce anymore, I let my finger fall to the play button, and, after a few quiet strums, the beautiful lyrics were flowing into my basement once again. And, for the first time in a long time, I made myself listen to it in a new way. "Its you and me, and all other people..." All my problems and worries fought for attention in my mind, but still, I made myself listen. "Its you and me, and all other people..." Again the chorus rolled by, and I could hardly think straight. "Its you and me, and-" And in that third chorus, I got it. I suddenly got it. I sat bolt upright, and whispered along, "all other people."
All of the worries, uncertainties, and frightening possibilities that I'd struggled with for... almost 5 months suddenly fell away. And in that moment of calm, I could ask myself the question I had deserved all that time. What ever happened to 'all other people'? I'd been so caught up in this one girl, that I had let everything else slip. My homework was lagging. My friendships were faltering. Heck, even my relationship with my family seemed corroded. And all my worry had gotten me nowhere with the one person I cared about. And as the final whispers of You and Me played, I knew it was time for a change. "What day is it, and in what month- this clock never seemed so alive..." Time is short. How long can I pretend like I'm immortal? How long will I wait before I get back out there, and be the student I'm called to be, be the son I'm called to be, be the friend I'm called to be? Don't get me wrong, that girl is beautiful, on the inside even more than the out. Joy pretty much describes her. That, and maybe a little attitude thrown in. And part of the reason knowing her has been so hard is because its been all-consuming. My days hinged on every little thing she did. Now, its time to (quite literally) face the music, and live a little life, not only with her- but with all other people. Amazing people. I'm sorry guys. Sometimes I get too caught up in being "Loverboy", and, well, forget to be...
Yours truly,
ThinAir
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